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March 15th, 2012
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Keeping It Krazy With Kelly Killoren Bensimon

http://www.dreamstime.com/-image22961972

"I can make you hot. Trust me."

KKB is obsessed with charity, and she’s also obsessed with color. Somewhere, there’s a connection. But don’t ask me where. She likes big pops of Brad Goreski neon color. The kind of color that looks awesome on professional super models after a skilled Photoshop expert has refined them to that state of heavenly perfection that anything looks good on them. However, if you decide to (against my advice) go out and buy a tube top with pops of Post-It yellow, magenta hot pink or neon electric green, there will be whispers. And probably hands over mouths.

KKB is already making good use of her new fashion statement and was plastered all over the UK press today. Is there a paparazzi filter that gives that “nursing home atrophy” effect, or does KKB really have the legs of a 95-year-old? And her boobs, which usually have a mind of their own, were headed every which way but loose. The left boob was tired and hailing a cab, while the right boob (along for the ride) was just enjoying a view of the NYC skyline. Isn’t there a surgical procedure to ties those babies together? It’s like having a wonky eye that goes left while the other stays in place, but not in a good way.

Porn Boobs. I need to address this issue. Porn Boobs were trendy and all the rage in 2008. But now, there are only two women (outside the adult entertainment industry) who can get away with porn boobs – Kim Zolciak and Dolly Parton. In other words, everything about you has to register “over the top”. And you have to wear blond wigs. Nowadays, what you end up with are women with grapefruit torpedos that look like this. Is this really a hot look to most men or lusty lesbians?

Tamra Barney proved my theory as scientific fact when she had the implants removed, and dare I say, actually looks good.

Last year I posted this photo of Tamra:

Frightening. It turns out, having bowling balls under you skin causes some serious premature sagging. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the photo that brought her to her senses.

Blandi Granville took a similar approach. If you need to get implants, go for the smaller, more natural looking versions. Then people don’t clearly see two spinning (potentially explosive) grapefruits on your chest. The reason everyone is staring at your breasts and not your face? Because your boobs are spinning! That’s distracting. The good thing about being as close to natural as possible? That look has been around since the beginning of time. Like a good Jackie-O blazer, never goes out of style.

Who’s the hottest Real Housewife? 9 times out of 10, the response is Gretchen Rossi. And you don’t see any grapefruits there. So ladies, during your next “tune up,” consider a downsize. Or better yet, save the grapefruits for breakfast.


Email me at editor@terryaley.com. You have permission to link back to stories in chat forums or your own blogs. Follow me on Twitter, username: rawveggies!


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