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December 22nd, 2011

Fabulonderful – Teresa Giudice of the Real Housewives Makes Her Signature Angel Hair Pasta Smothered in Scalding Satan’s Scampi

Jerseylicious

I have to admit, there is one main reason I wanted to sit through this instructional cooking video. I was hoping Teresa would be doing her onion chopping demo using either a butter or steak knife, and someone would lose a finger or bleed from a puncture wound. If you’ve ever seen Teresa’s chopping skills, then you also know enough to stand back.

I blame Andy Cohen for the fact everyone is now wearing a ponytail, whether it’s flattering or not. I don’t know, maybe it lightens Teresa’s robotic, excruciating, agonized, tortured, board-like cooking presentation. Her body language communicates to me that cooking is up there with flipping the switch on an electric chair and watching the victim’s eyes bleed. Her perspiring, glistening forehead. This is when we know the truth, whether we love or hate Bethenny Frankel, she knows the art of entertaining. Because that’s the real reason we’re watching a cooking show by a celebrity personality. Not, dare I say, to learn how to cook spaghetti. Cooking shows and “perky” seem to go hand in hand. And Teresa is not perky.

If I really wanted to make semi-homemade spaghetti, and couldn’t figure it out from reading the box, I’d probably be standing there wondering about the other 10 steps that don’t involve pre-slap-chopped onions/garlic, pre-cooked spaghetti and how much of the secret family pasta sauce to mix in with the fried shrimp. But I will continue making my own secret spaghetti recipe that I might share with you. (Rice pasta. Boiled. Then fried and drizzled in olive oil. Some chopped onions and mushrooms if you dare. And instead of tomato sauce, try Amie’s Goddess Salad dressing. Throw in a few of your own favorite ingredients, and I think you might just love it.)

And oh, that horrifying black line on the back of the shrimp beasts. Personally, there is no amount of money that would convince me to eat a shrimp. (Ok maybe there is, but we’re talking at least upper five digits. Then I would be one of those vegans that don’t consider seafood real meat.) Here’s what the Straight Dope says on the matter.

They say the truth is ugly, but they forgot to mention that sometimes it’s also disgusting. I mean, I’ve heard of a crab log, but a shrimp log is something entirely different. The absolute straight dope is that the black line found in most shrimp is its intestine. And yes, sometimes that puppy is so full as to threaten to practically burst, taking out the shrimp and anything within several inches of it. Not a pretty sight, but welcome to the shadowy trenches that lie between science and journalism.

Now you know why they call it Satan’s Scampi. Actually, that’s the name I gave it just now. So they can officially call it Satan’s Scampi. As Rachael Ray would say, “Yummo.” I would call Teresa’s cooking method uber lite Italian. So lite as to be virtually non-existant.

On the other side of the scale, I have a dream cooking segment that would involve Mario Batali showing up to surprise Teresa during a cooking appearance. He would demonstrate how villagers in a secluded Italian village have created an amazing pasta dish that none of us have heard of, a dish he prepares in exactly the same way as the family has prepared it for the last 4,000 years, handed down hundreds of times from mothers to daughters. Mario likely traveled all the way to the secluded villa to cook with the family as to make sure the full integrity of the recipe was properly conveyed to the masses. He would have many interesting stories and anecdotes about secret ingredients and stolen recipes. He makes his pasta from scratch in mind-numbing detail, grinding his own sausage, laboring through an intricate sauce recipe containing a few ingredients you haven’t heard of that can’t even be purchased in your local Safeway.

For now, it’s all good clean fun – well – until someone loses an eye or a kidney. Then it becomes really fun.

Now watch this Mario video which is completely comical when placed side by side with Teresa’s segment.


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