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1. Real Housewife of Hotlanta Kimzolciak says of her daughter “I am incredibly proud of @BrielleZolciak and asking for an abstinence ring… Thank you to Chris Guven for helping us pick out the perfect 1.” An abstinence ring is like George Michael’s “pre-engagement ring” on the TV show Arrested Development. A really dumb excuse to buy a ring. Maybe this is hush money spent to keep this daughter quiet since her other daughter got a $60,000 room makeover in last week’s episode. I can think of so many better ways to spend this money than an essentially disposable ring. Why not give her a decent $75 ring and put the rest of the money in, I don’t know, a college fund? Speaking of $60,000 room makeovers…
2. Kim Zolciak has put her house on the market! Let’s hope most of that $60,000 was spent on furniture and not faux paint. Does this mean she’s moving in with Kroy? Does this mean she can’t afford the house because she spent so much money on abstinence rings and Louis XIV style office and bedroom makeovers? Someone tell me what this means.
3. Which brings me to her fellow Real Housewife Sheree Whitfield who is reportedly being evicted from her house. How does a person go from buying a brand new Aston Martin 6 months ago and a new (though downsized yet still elaborate house 6 months before that) to being evicted? One thing about Real Housewives, they’re not real housewives who have to worry about a real budget. Aston Martin money pays a lot of rent. Who moves into a house they can’t afford if they don’t have the money in the bank? I don’t care if you were married to a rich professional athlete and you THOUGHT he was going to be giving you half of all his money. Luckily for me, this is what happens when you have caviar dreams and a Diet Coke budget. I act like all of this is a bad thing. It’s not! Absurd train wrecks are my specialty! Keep up the good work everyone.
4. Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann are officially engaged, according to Radar Online. The first step in securing 18 years of professional sports money. I don’t have much faith that this will be a lasting relationship. Esp. considering she was engaged to Big Poppa just last year – and he was MARRIED when he proposed.
5. Fast forward two days. Kim Zolciak and Kroy Biermann are NOT engaged. Which begs me to ask, why not? Did they get engaged, but realize a spin-off show featuring a marriage and baby (and a proposal) would be a better idea? ($$$) Did Kroy ask Kim, then take it back after he came to his senses two days later? Did Big Poppa propose to Kim again? Oh to be a fly on the wall.
6. In this week’s episode of the Real Housewives of Hotlanta, Kim Zolciak referred to her lesbian friendship with DJ Tracy as “that ONE night.” If by ONE night she means “ONE night after another,” then yes, that would be perfectly accurate.
7. “You done me wrong!” Real Housewife of Hotlanta Nene Leakes puts in a Best Supporting Actress Academy Award performance of a lifetime while she rips her husband Greg a new one, and he says practically nothing. The reason? Greg told a “friend” something in confidence, the friend was secretly recording the conversation and broadcast it on a radio show for the whole world to hear. Nene berated Greg for bringing up the topic of divorce with someone else first, rather than showing a united front. The problem? Earlier in this same episode, Nene showed up at a high-powered divorce lawyer’s office to confidentially file divorce papers. Just between Nene, the lawyer, the two camera guys, the producer, the editing room and everyone who watches Bravo TV. The louder you scream, the more right you are?
8. Kim Zolciak mentioned Big Poppa in the “Freak Number” conversation with the ladies on Kandy Coated Knights. Because as we all know, Kim gets freaky with Big Poppa. Except Kim got Kroy’s phone number in last week’s episode. And next week’s episode features Kim’s lesbian lover Tracy. And now Kim is pregnant with Kroy’s baby. This makes me wonder if Kim wasn’t going back and forth between Big Poppa, DJ Tracy and Kroy all at the same time. Some people call this “dating.” I really can’t WAIT to see if this baby is white or black. Please – let this baby be mixed race! PLEASE. Maybe Kim’s daughter made the right decision with the purity ring. She could be heading off any conversations “Like mother, like daughter” or “The acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.” NOT A BAD THING. I’m not complaining. I wouldn’t be watching if she was NORMAL.
9. Taylor Armstrong and her stiff upper lip get rid of that pesky cute toy dog, once and for all! You’ll remember a few episodes ago that Taylor threw the “end all” of birthday parties for herself, I mean, her four-year-old daughter. Taylor spent a fortune on diamond necklaces for the daughter and all her friends. This necklace (including the matching one Taylor bought for herself) would be a permanent memento of a shared bond between mother and child, for the rest of their lives. One problem. The child is too young to understand what the words “superficial” and “gold diggers” mean. She just sees a necklace with a piece of glass. In fact, it’s more of a deathly choking hazard waiting to happen for her. She doesn’t understand the power of the diamond yet, or that it’s her best friend. Someday, women will give her compliments and be jealous of her diamonds, but not now. For now, she only understands the CUTE FLUFFY WHITE MINIATURE DOG that looks like a living stuffed animal, the one her FATHER Russell purchased, that is THE BEST THING EVER! Taylor then gave Russell one of those toothy wide smiles that said “Would you prefer I got all Oklahoma on your ass in front of everyone, or should we take it out back?” They named the dog Snowball and lived happily ever after. For the rest of that episode anyhow, except the part when the daughter squealed in delight after the party about how amazing her birthday present was – the dog – not the choking hazard. Fast forward to this week. Taylor is distraught that Snowball is causing all kinds of horrible allergic reactions to their daughter. First of all, her daughter wakes up every morning and her eyes are SWOLLEN SHUT from the dog toxins. As you probably know, sleep allows dog toxins to accumulate in the eyelids at night. They swell up and can’t be opened in the morning. Armed with this knowledge, she schedules an appointment with her pediatrician. Taylor explains to the doctor that her child was having a great life, but the EXACT second the dog showed up, the child had violent reactions. Taylor needed to go to a doctor and tell him what the problem was because she needed someone with a degree to back up her scheme, I mean, rescue of her daughter. If Taylor was 100% sure of this problem, she wouldn’t need a doctor to confirm it. She need only to remove the dog from the house, and voila, happily ever after. What Taylor really needed was an ally to secure leverage against her husband Russell. You can’t argue with a doctor’s opinion after all. Doctors are ALWAYS RIGHT. Taylor returns home to deliver the joyful, I mean, unpleasant news, to her husband that they must get rid of Snowball or their daughter will be doomed to 14 years of grueling daily allergy shots. Taylor even starts crying because she’s distraught at the idea they’ll have to rehome Snowball. Did I just say Taylor was distraught at the idea they’ll have to rehome Snowball? Purging the best gift ever from a household requires a lot of work involving doctors and emotional pleas from the heart. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with Taylor. This is about an allergy that is killing their daughter. And Taylor is grief-ravaged that her husband’s gift will need to be delicately ousted. At least her daughter will be able to carry around a photo of her with Snowball, and a Barbie necklace, for the rest of her life.
10. Lance Bass implied with Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live that he and Lisa Vanderpump’s “houseboy” Cedric Martinez had dated, for a “short” time. And had sex. But they went ByeByeBye. Is Lance on a mission to bag every hunky gay guy he can using what little fame he has left before time runs out? Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
11. That mansion. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hillbillies spent an evening at Mohamed Hadid’s mansion. It’s so decadent and grand that Lisa Vanderpump considers her own Beverly Hills mansion a “shack” in comparison. (What do I live in, a filthy used shoebox?) The Wall Street Journal talked about this mansion being the most expensive real estate sale in history, if it had sold. Here’s more about this lavish palace:
The 10-bedroom, 14-bathroom mansion, most recently listed for $72 million and originally listed for $85 million, sits on 2.2 acres. It has a ballroom seating more than 200, a music room and a 20-car motor court. There’s a pond for swans, seven fountains, a Turkish hammam and a columned movie theater with a mural on the ceiling. The seller is Los Angeles developer Mohamed Hadid, who constructed Ritz-Carlton hotels in the 1980s and now builds massive homes in L.A., Mexico and elsewhere. Mr. Hadid has said he spent $59 million to build the home for his own use.
12. Lisa Vanderpump decides to do a Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) and set up Kim Richards with a friend. (They both have the same perfect success rate this year – 0%) One problem is that Kim is not wife material. Maybe when she was young, firm and kid free, she could have landed a nice mate. You can overlook a lot of mental issues if the package is nice. But once you’re in the cougar age bracket, mental instability doesn’t play well. She has to date a guy with money. But the guy with money isn’t looking for baggage, crazy fits and kids. She can’t date a 25-year-old because no housewife wants to repeat the Danielle Staub dating playbook. It just looks bad when your boyfriend loads up his Buick and moves in with you, instead of the other way around. Kim must face the prospect of a lifetime of discreet one-night stands and bingo with the other elderly crazy ladies. I don’t make these rules, I just acknowledge them. So Kim shows up at Mohamed Hadid’s spectacular mansion for her “blind date” – late – wearing an animal print dress. You know those women who are a size 6 but want to wear a size 2 dress? For them, wearing the wrong size dress is a form of weight loss. Hey, whatever works. They go out and try on a size 2, manage to squeeze into the dress by breaking several laws of physics, then buy it. But the problem is that she would have looked good in a size 6, but not in a size 2. I call this the Cougar Continental Breakfast Dress, because her breasts are flattened into pancakes and she’s stuffed in like a sausage. Her victim, er date, called it a “meeting” and NOT a date. Kim agreed – all the pressure is gone. Even though Kim hammered the final nail in the coffin by immediately reminding her date that she met her husband just like this, on a “blind date.” Even though her date’s mouth wasn’t moving, his face clearly said “Get me out of here. Lisa Vanderpump – paybacks will be swift.”
[Photo by PR Photos]